I have assessed where I am in my life now.
I am a single mother of five and a grandmother of two. I turn forty in just over a month. I work as a library assistant but am actually a qualified librarian. I struggle to get to my work on a daily basis. Whether it is due to not having bus fare or not having childcare or just being physically knackered. I get up in the morning then drop weans off with minder, spend an hour on the bus to work then do my work. Then after work I do the whole process in reverse. I am tired and think I look tired.
I am fiercely independent though.
I love life. I love my kids and grandkids. I love learning – I would not be me without a course to do. My brain needs information to survive. I have the most fun on a night out when I can dance. Apart from my kids writing is my life. Keeps the old stress at bay – makes me laugh, cry and raises other long forgotten emotions. It allows me to cope with grief, loneliness and boredom.
I have opinions and stories, poetry and sometimes total nonsense that I just need to get down on paper. I get lonely at night and writing my blog makes me feel connected to the rest of the world. I like to take something that inspires me like a person, a song or a place and turn it into a story or a poem. It is like leaving little bits of myself around so hopefully I can touch someone or make them smile or cry.
New skills I hope to learn are ballroom dancing, become a mathematics genius, I want to be able to draw and maybe even learn to play the guitar. I want to let my kids get to know all of my extended family.
I would like to have time to take my dog for very long walks everyday. I want to finish learning to drive. I am always looking for some way to better myself. I feel confident when I learn a new skill. Learning is in my bones. I get a huge sense of self worth watching my kids grow into intelligent and confident adults and also when I feel like I am contributing in some way.
I am happy being me – I have a lot to give to the universe. I am extremely lucky that I have my kids and their kids. I work hard and I look after those that matter to me. I am not a lesser person because I am on my own. I am super fantastic because I brought up all my kids on my own, I work very hard, I learn because knowledge is power and I am open to experiencing everything life throws at me.
I am beginning to realise that there are people out there who support me and have supported me for years. Two of my sisters that help keep my spirits up and are there for me when I need to talk. They care about me and let me know that they are there for me .
Tonight though I want to dedicate this to my niece – she knows who she is. She is a burst of energy on a miserable day, she throws light on my life every time we talk. I wish she lived closer so I could give her a hug when she needs one. She loves to dance as much as me. She has went through a few of the trials that I have been through in my life and if I can do anything to cheer her up I would. If I could drive I would be visiting her this weekend. She is the kind of company I love to keep and I miss her.
I am an independent woman but even I need these special people to keep me from cracking up. I know when I see a good thing and as long as these people are still in my life then I have a good thing going on.