Well I have had a good day today. Visits from my two oldest daughters and their lovely children. We had a family dinner of steak pie, mashed potatoes and various veg but the best part of it all was having company. I still have three kids living at home but it was fantastic to be able to converse with my two eldest. They are living their own lives now but I still worry about them. It is always a good day when they come back to visit and I can see how well I raised them.
One thing that happens when they go however is that I am left on my own after the three little ones go to bed. I am used to coming home from work, feeding the kids, helping with homework and then putting the kids to bed and most days everything is fine. When my girls have been though it is different, the house is quieter, the space seems different.
It is the nights like this when I feel lost and a little bit lonely. I feel unbelievable pride when I think of how well my daughters are doing and enjoy having civilised, adult and entertaining conversations with them. I feel the loss of their company when they are gone.
It is at these times that I now and again wish I was not single. It would be good to have that one person who I could share my day with, snuggle up with and be myself with. When I go to bed I listen to music, I walk through my day with my ipod playing just in an attempt to feel less alone. I have loads of cushions on my bed and sometimes arrange them so it feels like there is someone sleeping on the other side.
At night I some times dream of my ideal man who is usually made up of an amalgamation of body parts of all the celebrities I have a fascination for. For example (depending on my mood) he may have the face of Gerard Butler, the stomach of ll cool j and the quirky personality of Ryan Gosling. He may sometimes just be Idris Elba as i said, it all depends.
My close friend and my sister have both recently hooked up. One with a new boyfriend and the other a husband. This means that I am alone in my loneliness. I go out for a drink with my friend but it only takes a couple before she gets that eyes-glazing over look that means she is daydreaming about her beau. I am left feeling redundant.
I don’t feel like this all the time – just the occasional blip in my busy life.
Most nights I am glad of the peace, glad to have the bed all to myself, glad to make all my own decisions without having to consult someone else. I can indulge my fancies for reading, a movie in bed or writing.
Right now it would only be a visit from one of my amalgamated fantasy men that would tempt me out of my solitary confinement. Now is my time to be creative, selfish and busy.
Okay people I have a cistern to fix and a giant bed with space just for me. I will write again soon.