I now understand what a mid-life crisis is.  I am not yet forty but it is just over the horizon.

I spent years studying – trying to find out who I am and what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I had decided that as an information junkie I was meant to help other people find, understand and organise information.  I attained the qualifications I needed to follow the path I had chosen but it was almost impossible to break into the occupational sector of my choice.

I eventually got there but on a lower level. I thought this is okay I can work my way up the ladder.  This thought warmed me on the long bus rides –  five days a week to work.  I kept storing up my skills and learning new ones all in preparation for the day I would get that elusive yes.  I worked endlessly, volunteering for new experiences, doing the jobs no-one else wanted to do.  I honed my customer service skills collecting qualification after qualification, doing course after course – whilst almost neglecting my duties at home.

I was on the cusp of some big breakthrough – I could feel it.

Then one day out of the blue it hit me.  Whack, right in the face.

I graduated ten years ago.  Ten bloody years chasing the unachievable.  Ten miserable, over-worked, under-appreciated years.  I could not believe it.

This realisation hit me like a train, I felt that I had been steamrollered.  It became hard to get out of my bed.  There were days I didn’t (sorry kids).  I ate like I had never eaten before.  The only comfort I had was to eat.

I resented work, hated all my bosses.  They were filled with their own sense of importance.  They looked down on me and made it clear that I knew how unimportant I was.  One of them even went out of her way every day to make me feel small.  On a normal day I would never have taken the shit she dealt out but because I was feeling small and insignificant I actually let her get to me.  I was feeling so low that all the pain and resentment just built up until something was going to blow.

I tried counselling and found a lovely woman called Emily to talk to.  I got a few things off my chest – she helped to remind me that I was a survivor.  I had been through worse than this.  I hated feeling sorry for myself.  I wanted things to change so bad that I contemplated moving away, shaving all my hair off and all manner of strange things in an attempt to make me feel better.

I realised though that running away was never going to help me.  I had to do something to help me feel like me.  I used to like myself, I used to like getting my photograph taken.  There was a time in my teens that I actually smiled a lot, everyday almost.  I know this because someone showed me the photos and I was shocked.

I think I am now turning a corner.  I am looking for other jobs.  I have a few interviews coming up.  I will get where I am meant to be eventually.  My career is taking a sidestep.  I am actually contemplating going back to school and retraining to do something else. What? I really don’t know yet.

I am getting my mojo back.  I spend more time with the people who mean a lot to me.  Mostly my kids but also my sisters and brothers.  I have become a grandmother twice.  My lovely little grandbabies give me loads of pleasure.  I am writing a little everyday.  I constantly have music in my head.  I feel like dancing when I am doing something just for me.

My horrible boss left Wahey!!!  So work is now a much nicer place to be.  I can stomach it for a little while longer.  Long enough for some new opportunity to present itself.  I am not going to be disheartened by a career that is dying.  I am going to use it to spur me on to greater things.  I will do it not because of my bosses but in spite of them.

I am back in charge and the world better watch out.

Fierce is too small a word.





One thought on “Lost

  1. Love it!!! Please keep up the momentum…. Your so Frank and I think if everyone was a honest as you the world would be a much easier place!!

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